I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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