His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
