Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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