I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
