for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize