my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
