Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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