What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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