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If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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