There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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