I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize