If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
