evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
