Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
