gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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