checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
