Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
