I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
