Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
