i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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