I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Another day, another engagement, another cat
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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