Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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