just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
