so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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