During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
