I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize