i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
