There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
