The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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