I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
