Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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