it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize