this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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