When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
and she was petting her beer can
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
