have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
