May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
