I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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