Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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