we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
