Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
This is classic penis vs brain.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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