they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
