mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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