Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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