I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
