I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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