Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
