Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
