I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
