I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
