am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize