1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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