I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
