Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
