carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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