I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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