My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
