it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
