His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
