she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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