I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
