Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
