We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
so let's talk penis.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
