he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize