Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
