I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
