Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
