he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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