y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
