I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
